Love is a strange one. We can still love our partner, even though we feel and know the relationship is nothing like it used to be. When first married, we can’t wait to see each other at the end of the day, and probably can’t keep our hands off each other. Then with the advent of children, pressures of work, paying the mortgage, having an extended family and other trials life may bring, it is possible that frustration and disappointments become evident and the loving, sexual, sensual closeness begins to wane. The spark disappears. Emotional distance sets in. Mostly this is due to the complexities of life. Often as the dynamics of a relationship change, exhaustion sets the pattern and we are fast asleep before our head even hits the pillow. This may also be a way to avoid underlying issues that are not being addressed.
As individuals we change over the years, we are influenced by our friends and business colleagues, work, other mothers, the pressures of parenthood. It is possible one partner will broaden and expand their horizons in a different way from the other. This need not spell the end of the relationship, rather with open and honest communication it can enhance the relating.
Turning any situation around and trying to focus on the things that are working in your relationship and reaching for better feeling thoughts is the beginning of a recipe for success. It is so easy in life to notice what is not working, what we believe should be changed (usually the other person). Having some gratitude for what we have instead of beating the drum about what we do not have or what is not working is always helpful and it does bring you to a pivotal point.
Some may have thoughts and feelings about wanting change, maybe even wanting to leave the relationship as it is no longer fun coming home every night, or being at home all day with children is not meeting needs on an adult level. It does not mean to say that the intention is to divorce, nonetheless the thought or the desire to abandon ship is a result of growing discontent and the failure to find a way to achieve some balance. You know that saying “the grass is always greener’? Well it may look greener, that is, until you get there.
Do you know why? Being in a relationship means we are part of the problem (if there is one). Therefore if the decision is made to move on to greener pastures, we take ourselves with us and any inherent problems we have. It is likely we will act them out over and over again, until we take some responsibility for who and what we are. Until, we are prepared to make changes to our thinking and behaviour that brings us the changes we are wanting, especially when it comes to our relationships.
Conscious loving, conscious sex, conscious communication, reaching for better feeling thoughts, looking for what feels good – always – and having a deep appreciation for what life has given you is a recipe for a joyous, happy and fulfilling life.
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the very first time.
- ‘Little Gidding’, T.S. Eliot
That could well mean that we meet our beloved, fall in love, play, live and bring up a family with him/her, deal with pressures and challenges, drift apart and struggle with our very own identity and then wind up back ‘in love’, renewed, as if meeting them again for the very first time and beginning a new chapter of life together. Stronger, more assured, companionable and very much at peace with each other and the life experiences that has brought you to this very moment.
Copyright ©2017 Marie-Elise Allen