My Relationship with Addiction

Moral or Medical

So is addiction a moral problem or a medical condition or merely a lack of self responsibility? Maybe addiction is fundamentally a spiritual condition where one is disconnected from Source.

Drinking

I started drinking in my teens. I remember in High School, going to my friend Lisa’s house at lunch time one day and both of us downing a bottle of Screwdriver.  It tasted great – like orange juice really.  I had more of the bottle than she and wound up very much off my face! The extent of my drinking continued, I felt good and very confident when I had a few drinks in me. I liked the feeling it gave me and what is more I liked the taste. 

Later working in the hospitality game meant hangovers were shrugged off with a black coffee and a cigarette, and then more easily with a bit of the ’hair of the dog that bit me’ .  I drank very heavily throughout my 20’s stopping briefly when I became pregnant at 30, then continuing with gay abandon until my mid 40’s. What was going on with me?

The shame of it all

The drinking was shaming in that other people had a better coping mechanism than I did.   They would stop after a few drinks whereas I would stop after a few bottles!  I managed to hide it though.  I worked, was a mother, a lover, had friends and generally lived it up.  I also was attracting people into my life that drank heavily and often.

Upon reflection it is very likely over those years the extent of my boozing cost me many friendships, embarrassed family and friends (not to mention myself) and became dangerous to my health.

The wake up call

It was a love affair with a delightful young man who actually (unbeknown to me at the time) was an alcoholic that brought me to my senses.  His enforced rehabilitation showed me who he ‘really’ was, a beautiful soul that lit up my life. However his inability to cope with a life threatening illness meant an inevitable decline back into looking at the bottom of the bottle.  At this point in my life he was an incredible ‘mirror’; he showed me where I had the potential of finishing up. We parted ways, I stopped drinking.

Drugs

I have never had the desire to take hard drugs, my drug of choice was always alcohol, however I did on occasion imbibe in a spliff or two.  I now know alcohol, heroin, cocaine – the abusive drugs- share one common eature.  They release large amounts of Dopamine into the system.  In the addict’s brain, the pleasure system breaks down and the drug of choice becomes your route to survival.Choice becomes eroded as the area of the brain that exerts free will – the cortex – loses control.  

In a healthy brain, the frontal cortex exerts control over the lower ‘survival’ brain.  If stress – particularly the kind associated with fear, anxiety, and lack of self worth and other symptoms of addiction – is severe enough, this situation reverses, allowing the unconscious and involuntary areas of the brain to decide on your survival strategy.  In other words the freedom of choice to behave as you would wish is taken away.  I am very grateful for the young man in my life that connected with me in such a profound way, that my survival kicked in and I walked the path to becoming whole.

Sex

Not a bad addiction to have huh?  As in all addictions, it is the feeling, the high, that has you chasing for more. I was a late starter, but once the starter’s gun sounded and I shot away from the starting blocks, I made up for lost time.  Losing my virginity in the front seat of a red and white Zephyr Mark II was a deliberate act.  Certainly not that memorable, however it was not long before fuelled by alcohol, I was pulling more than my fair share of sexual experiences.  That race to the finish line, the orgasm, the coupling was another high.  More so it was a game.  A game to play that would give me the next fix - the fleeting feeling of being loved.


The life of a person caught up in the web of addiction really knows no boundaries.  From one drink to the next, one bed to the next, one country to the next, the path of choicelessness and self destruction continues. I was driven by the desire to be noticed, desired, sexually attractive and great in bed. Most of all I wanted to feel worthy of being loved. The question of morality never came into it.

Food

My current addiction is food.  My appearance these days gives some impression of the consequences; the hard truth must be faced.  Worse still is when I shed 20kg and looked svelte not many people noticed.  Now they look at me and say they do not notice that the entire 20kg is now back on (where it belongs)

I adore eating out.  I love the texture, appearance and flavours of foods, I have another sub addiction – my soy cappuccino.  I do limit myself to one a day; however I generally lack self control when it comes to the food that goes with it. My friends and family are not exactly encouraging about what is my very own weakness – when it comes to food.  Of all the addictions it seems this one is proving the hardest and most difficult to shake off.  This is partly because eating is one of the more socially acceptable and unavoidable pleasures.  I continue to work on this addiction.