Celibacy

It is rather humorous when writing about celibacy to find that one of the meanings of the word is virginity, yet we generally deem those who abstain from sex as ‘celibate’ whether or not they are a nun, a monk, a virgin, divorced or single and unmarried.  During conversation with another it is OK to admit having been ‘celibate for a number of years’ but no one generally talks of being an ‘abstainer’.

There are those who willingly opt for self-restraint, others who choose self-denial, yet wherever this subject takes you, it comes down to choice.  There are also those who through life experience have chosen for a time to abstain from sexual relations with anyone and often (for many women) that includes with self and are therefore celibate. 

Others, through their religious persuasion or through asceticism find themselves aspiring to some form of godliness by remaining celibate. I often speculate upon the pros and cons of such a choice when there has been so much come out in past years about the abuse of young children and teenagers by the very ones who are supposed to be celibate.  I wonder if it is realistic to deny oneself sexual pleasure, after all it is a natural impulse to fondle and feel your own genitals, and the feeling is nice, so what  is the benefit of self-denial?  If one should take themselves ‘in hand’ then who’s to know?  However, when sexual feelings can include another, from a place of willingness,  then you experience the ultimate connection, a splendor that includes so many of our senses that it is simply awesome.

 It would be fair to say that most of us at some time or another find ourselves going through a period of abstinence and possibly some self-reflection especially after a relationship has gone sour.  It may also be fair to say some behaviors could include exactly the opposite, especially where someone has felt trapped in a marriage or relationship then sows their wild oats in gay, reckless abandon  in order to savour what has for so long been suppressed.

A conversation with a male in recent months, prompted him to comment that he had spent three years of his life choosing to remain celibate.  He had been through a nasty divorce and had decided to travel around Australia.  This was a time for reflection he said, working out what he wanted in his life, for himself, not for anyone else.  He said that this time was where he focused on the world around him and allowed himself to savour his country like he never had before and that that in itself was his healing.  He also commented that it is much easier for a man to choose to abstain from sexual relations. “We are blessed with an anatomy that makes it easier for us to fondle ourselves and that those ‘love gloves’ swinging at the side of our bodies, provide immediate relief when there is a tightening in the loins,”.   He stated that he got to know himself in a way that was very real, and that he came through those years of sexual abstinence with another, feeling as though he genuinely knew who he was in his own right, rather than through the ideas, behaviour and energy of those around him.

For some women there is simply a loss of interest in the sexual in later years, or a surge of energy that is put into their occupation which is deemed more fulfilling and the rewards more easily recognized.  Others in business focus their energy ( sexual or otherwise) into being the best they can be in their line of work and so use their sexual energy in a way where it is channeled  into their success.

There have been a few women that I have connected with who are totally accepting of having chosen to remain celibate, who feel completely at peace with their decision.  One woman who I met recently, spoke of how she has spent many years ‘working on herself’ trying to find out who she was.  Even though she was a mother and held down a full time job, she longed to know who she essentially  was.  Then came the sudden recognition that even though she was working on aspects of herself and her behaviours she did not know who she was sexually.  Consequently she stepped into a deliberate affair with ‘herself’.  That decision she claims was the perfect result in coming to know herself from inside out. 

Celibacy is deemed by many as unnatural as there are physical and emotional  benefits from sexual release which contribute to a sense of well-being.  One cannot stop their body from releasing sexual tension in their dreams, so in effect the body will take of itself whether wanted or not.

Others define celibacy as practicing purity in a sexual relationship whilst reaching for the highest spiritual attainment they can. I have heard male friends who practise eastern medicine talk of how they have to preserve the power of semen. They believe the monthly quota of cosmic energy provided to every man is required to be preserved for a period of 12 years in continuation. This is possible only by practicing celibacy voluntarily.  

Whether celibacy or abstinence from sexual relief is for you or not, it seems there is bound to be many more points of view that will ensue.  

Copyright ©2009 Marie-Elise Allen